i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
