Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
