I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
