im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
