Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
