Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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