This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
