He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
