I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
