we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
