My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
