I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
