the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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