apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
