i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
