She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
