this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
