Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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