dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
