Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
