Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
