to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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