Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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