can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
