i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
