sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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