i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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