Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
