Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
