i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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