i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
