What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
