there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
