the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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