...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
