well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
