The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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