Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
