Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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