Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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