Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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