She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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