note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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