how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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