he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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