is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
