If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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