The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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