she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
