You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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